BACK!...and Summer 2016 Movies

Holy schnikes!  It's been over three and a half years since I posted on this thing.  Not that I ever meant to do it on a daily basis (don't believe my old posts about saying otherwise, they were all blatant lies to try and get people to come back), I just meant it as a place to occasionally throw out the random musings of a genius and the thoughts of a madman.

All that having been said of course, a lot has changed for me in the last 4 or so years.  I've grown wiser (I think).  I've grown more level-headed (also I think).  I've grown(?) smaller in size.  I dated a couple of guano women.  I stumbled upon the most amazing woman in the world (twice, actually).  Left a good job for what I thought would be a great job (news flash, it wasn't).  Then I started working for one of the largest companies in the world (hint BIG RODENT), something I didn't think that I would ever do (actually two things I didn't think I would ever do, work for a large multi-national company and specifically for the Rodent).  All in all the last couple of years have been an interesting ride.  I'll see if I can keep up more with this as I do enjoy having an outlet to put forth my thoughts and opinions (and keep the 10s of people who have ever read this page entertained).

Without much further ado and very little fanfare...let us get into the first post in a long time...

UA's 2016 SUMMER MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA

OK, maybe that was a little bold.  At least the heading wasn't blinking and flashing, eh?

Summer 2016 promises to be a good time for some movies.  As I'm sure a whopping one person who reads this will see is that I didn't start off with "Captain America: Civil War" or "X-Men: Apocalypse".  It isn't because I don't want to see these movies or that I don't think they will be fantastic (I do and they will).  It has to do with the date of their release.  To me, the "Summer Movie Season" runs from the Friday after Memorial Day through the last weekend in August, when most kids are out of school.  So, like it or not, that is the time frame I'm going with.

Forewarning: I will not be listing ALL the movies.  Just the ones I've got any interest in seeing, or the ones I just want to rip on. Why?  It's my blog, that's why.

June

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Two words: Bepop and Rocksteady. All that needs to be said.  Even Megan fox couldn't make it that terrible...right?

Warcraft

I played the hell out of both Warcraft games growing up.  I also, and might still do, played the hell out of World of Warcraft over the last decade.  Yes, I'm looking forward to this because I remember all the hours I put into the characters and the story.  Also, every time I see the preview with baby Thrall being put into a basket and pushed down the river I keep thinking "hmm, all he has to do is get knocked over and drown and the story totally changes."  Yeah, I need to stop thinking at times.

Now You See Me 2

The bad news: Isla Fisher isn't in this one.  The good news:  Morgan Freeman is back and Daniel Radcliffe is in it.  God and Harry Potter?  The magicians are going to have to pull some major rabbits out of their hats this time.

The Conjuring 2

I'm a horror movie freak, anyone who knows me knows this.  The first "The Conjuring", telling of one of exploits of the most famous demonic investigators in history, the Warrens, is a great flick.  This time another one of their stories is brought more to light.  Can't wait for some chills.

Finding Dory

Do I really need to say why I'm going to be seeing this one?

Central Intelligence

Dwayne Johnson.  All that should need to be said.  I'll see "The Rock" in just about anything.  Hell, I saw "The Tooth Fairy", that should end all discussions there.  Also, "big johnson" teehee, they are talking about his penis.

Independence Day Resurgence

Why no movie poster here?  Because they are all terrible.

Sure, Will Smith isn't in it.  Yes, somehow Brent Spiner's character, Dr. Okun, isn't dead.  None of that matters.  Bill Pullman will make some amazing speech about standing up for ourselves and we will all be patriotic and want to go and shoot up some aliens.  Oh, and Jeff Goldblum will probably try to get you to go rent a new apartment.  Probably.  Also, a Hemsworth is in it, automatic cool points these days.

July

The Legend of Tarzan

Why no movie poster here?  Because I got lazy.

Tarzan be tamed.  Tarzan must save Jane.  Tarzan must save jungle.  Tarzan needs new plot device.

The BFG

I dunno honestly.  Ever since I found out what Roald Dahl meant when he said "the snozberries taste like snozberries" I've kind of been turned off from anything adapted from his books.

Swiss Army Man

Harry Potter playing a dead, bloated body for the entirety of a film.  OK, I'm intrigued. 

The Secret Life of Pets

One of the best voice casts ever are brought together to show us what our pets do when we are away?  Sounds like a great date night flick to me.

Ghostbusters

Why is there no movie poster here...read on.

If someone with a weak heart is reading this please look away now........are we safe?  Good.

FUCK YOU.  Never in all my life have I wanted a movie, whether it be an original idea or a remake, to bomb so badly.

Star Trek Beyond

Much like Independence Day Resurgence...there are no good movie posters for this flick.

I've loved the reimagining/reboot of the Star Trek series that J.J. Abrahms brought to us.  I just hope that Justin Lin can continue to make them good.  Pro: Simon Pegg was one of the writers.  Con: Leonard Nimoy won't be in this one as he was unfortunately preoccupied being dead and all.

Jason Bourne

Want to see a movie poster for this one?  Go to Google. Type in Matt Damon. Go to Images.  Done.

Hmm, another entry in a long line of action movies that have gone from an actual name or using a numerical value for the sequel to using the character's full name for the last in the series.  I admit to not having seen the last 2 Bourne movies so I'm not sure if I'll see this one either.

August

Suicide Squad

After the abomination that was Batman v Superman the folks over at DC/Warner Bros are bringing us one of the coolest groups they have to the big screen.  The cast, amazing.  The plot, awesome.  The delivery, hopefully just as awesome.  Apparently though, some reshoots were done after BvS did so poorly, hopefully this doesn't bode ill for the gang of criminals.

Sausage Party

Nothing. Nada. No poster whatsover at this time...

An animated comedy about what happens to food after it leaves the supermarket, written by the guys who brought us "This is the End" and "Pineapple Express".  How bad can this be?  The answer, sadly, is probably very.  Very bad.

Pete's Dragon

I loved the original Pete's Dragon.  It was fun.  And I'm pretty sure that except for the dragon himself that the movie was already "live action".  So making a "live action" movie of a "live action" movie is kind of redundant...no?

The Space Between Us

Yup, no poster yet either...

This I think could be the sleeper Sci-Fi hit of the Summer.  A guy, born and raised on Mars, wants to go back to Earth to see where his people are from.  What could go wrong?  Oh, probably everything.

Well that's it ladies and gents.  I'm sure the 5 of you who read this will have your opinions on what I've said, or about movies that I've left out.  If you want, leave a comment and I'll battle your words with my own witty responses.

-UA

Love This Time Of Year

So yesterday I posted why I hate election years. But despite that, this time of year, every year is special to me. Why? Keep on reading.

First...football! I love football in all it's forms. Whether it be the thrill of Friday night lights when I was in high school, watching my best friend and others from the stands while I had 45lb instrument on my shoulders and playing a fight song (fight for your wildcats!) to the ongoing love-hate relationship I have with my college team (let's go Knights!...oh crap we suck again). And the total ups and downs I get from watching the Saints. I love them all. Hell I'm even a "true" football fan, and enjoy drinking a pint while cheering on the Gunners. In all honesty it's probably because all of them, including high school football, gave/give me a reason to have a beer!

Second, Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Never Ending Pasta Bowl!! Endless Shrimp!! Yes, I may not be able to eat as much as I used to (and damn happy for that), but damn it's a good time to eat at a Darden restaurant!

Lastly, the summer is almost over. While that meant a whole other thing when I was kid, like going back to school and going back to sleep earlier. Now it means being able to start turning up or off the a/c. Being able to go from my front door without needing another bath. And the rainy season in central Florida slowly coming to an end. Don't get me wrong, I love Florida but DAMN can it get hot down here.

Another Year...

If you have ever ready anything that I post on here, I'm usually a bit sarcastic about just about everything.  One of my ex's would have constantly called it my "passive aggressive" nature.  I guess that is one of the many reasons she is an ex.

But today there will be none of that.  11 years ago today the most atrocious attack on the citizens of the United States of America ever happened.  I know I don't have to go into details for anyone who may be reading this.  Suffice it to say, 11 years ago almost 3000 human beings lost their lives due to an act of outright terrorism.  Whether you agree with the wars that have followed which were started in some way or fashion since 9/11 (and on account of it) or not, if you are an American citizen, regardless of race, creed, political affiliation, sexual preference, or any other category we love to throw people into, then today you need to dip your head in remembrance of those we have lost.

Say a prayer if you are so inclined to the firemen, police officers, and every day citizens who were heroes that day.  Say another for all those heroes who lost their lives.  And lastly, say a prayer to be living in this country.  Because, like it or not, economic downturn or not, it's still a pretty damned great country.

Hate Election Years

This is going to be a short rant, for two reasons. First, it's the first post I'm trying from my iPhone, and I doubt that I can type a long drawn out post on here. Second, the topic upsets me.

During election years normal, educated, and typically well mannered people become raving lunatics. Lord, I wish I knew why. I admit, with no reservations, and hate it or love it, that I am registered Republican. Does this mean that I have drank all the kool-aid that my "party" mixes up, especially every 4 years? Hells no! All it means is that I believe in more of their core beliefs than I do of the Democrats.

That being said, there are several things that the Democrats say that make a lot of sense to me. But you know what? They are just as crazy, if not more so (especially with an incumbent in the running) than the Republicans in defending their crazy beliefs. Again, please read that last sentence again. I stated that BOTH sides is damn crazy, just this time around the hardcore Dems seem to be dropping the crazy pills by the handful.

I really don't care what chart or graph you come up with from such and such website. Want to know why? The other side can produce a chart or graph from just as reputable (or disreputable) site which is saying the same damn thing.

Your constant bashing of one another on Facebook, calling the other side names (again I'm calling everyone crazy here so this post doesn't count), saying that your evil is the lesser of the two evils proves only one thing. That you are a douche. And you've cost yourself many a friend because you tried to force your beliefs down someone else's throat.

Summer Movies - 2012

Yes, I know it is only February, and yes, I am already talking about Summer 2012 movies.  If you don't like it, stop reading and go back to Words With Friends or reading about Facebook's IPO.

I'm a huge movie nerd, always have been.  With the exception of romantic comedies, I'll watch pretty much anything, whether I really like it or not.  And yes, though I may not like it, and may be forced to sit through it, you can bet your sweet ass that I'll have an opinion on it one way or the other.  The only exception to that rule is the movie adaptation of "Sphere".  Yeah that movie still makes me go WTF?!? (long funny story there, if you know both me and my two best friends growing up then you probably know the story, if not...uhm...sorry).

So here we go (by the way, this post is one of my longer ones):

As far as I'm concerned May 4th officially starts the Summer movie extravaganza this year.  Why?  The Avengers is coming out.  As a former, OK I'm still kind of, comic book geek, I've been waiting for this movie ever since the first Iron Man came out (the first Hulk movie doesn't count as it was utter garbage).  You've got a great list of actors in it, almost all who have been a headliner in a film for the character they are reprising.  Chris Hemsworth as the Mighty Thor.  Chris Evans as Captain America.  Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. Scarlett Johansson as the woman of my dreams, er as the Black Widow.  Yes, there are a ton more great actors, and I haven't even mentioned the best, Robert "I was born to play this role" Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man, but the big thing here is the man who wrote and directed it.  Joss EFFING Whedon.  The man who brought you Buffy, Angel, Firefly/Serenity.  One of the ultimate comic fan boys who is alive now.  Yeah, I've got nothing else to say.  See it.  Love it.  If it sucks, which it won't, I'll eat my hat.

Dark Shadows - Screw you.  Not you the reader.  You.  Johnny "I forget if I was supposed to talk in a goofy ass British accent this time or not" Depp.  And you too, Tim "I married a chick with a goofy ass British accent" Burton.  Leave well enough alone.  Dark Shadows was a classic show.  Stop destroying things we love.  By the way, Depp, this goes for 21 Jump Street as well.

The Dictator - Why does Sacha Baron Cohen continue to be allowed to make movies?

Transformers 4 - Oh sorry, I meant to say, Battleship.  Sorry, does anyone else remember seeing aliens on the board when you call "B3"?  I sure as hell didn't.

Men in Black III - So it's been a DECADE since we last saw Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones together (both two actors I enjoy a lot).  But, did we really need another MIB movie?  Sigh, yes, I'll be seeing it. *facepalm*

Snow White and the Huntsman - The second of two Snow White movies coming out this year (the other is at the end of March called Mirror, Mirror).  But this one has Kirsten Stewart in it.  Being all pale and unable to act.  She's perfect for a twist on the movie where the Huntsman spares her and trains her to go kill the Queen...wait, so this is basically Snow White meets Joan of Arc?  Oh yeah, this can only end well.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted - *bang* that was the sound of Paramount/Dreamworks shooting a dead horse.

Prometheus - Yes, I've been waiting for this prequel/non-prequel/maybe it could be a prequel to Alien for so long.  Thank you Ridley Scott.  I know there will be no space marines, but that only hurts a little.

Rock of Age - OK, yet another Broadway musical making it's way to movie form.  And yes, I want to see it AND next time I'm in NYC I want to go and see it at Helen Hayes.  The cast, even psycho-looney-king Tom Cruise, look fantastic.  And it's 80's music!

That's My Boy- Adam Sandler used to be the funniest thing this side of a former SNL junkie.  James Cann is, well, James Cann!  Plus, it's got Rob Van Winkle, Vanilla Ice!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Who knew?  Actually, I did.  The book has actually gotten a lot of great reviews.  Written by the same guy who brought you Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, this should be, at the very least, good for some shock value.  Plus, I find it entertaining that Vampires caused the Civil War, and not economics, industry, and slavery.

Brave - I'm torn on this one.  Disney used to make masterpieces.  Now they make, well, mushterpieces.  What used to take half a decade to make, now takes a few months.  The love and work just isn't there any more.  Though I'm sure I'll see it.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Let's see here.  1) It's got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Roadblock. 2) It's got Bruce "McClane" Willis as Joe "GI JOE" Colton.  3) It has ninjas fighting on the side of a damned mountain.  4) They took away Snake Eyes' "lips". 5) I'm pretty sure (and very happy) they kill off Channing Tatum in the first 10 minutes so he can go star in Magic Mike (opening the same day).  So ladies, go see him in MM.  Guys, I'll go grab some beers, meet you behind the theater to chug them and then we can go in.  Sound good?

The Amazing Spider-Man - FFS...why?  Did Raimi not destroy this hallowed enterprise enough?  Oh, I know what a good idea is.  Let's let a guy who has pretty much only done music documentaries direct it.  Couldn't do any worse than Spider-Man 3...right?

Savages - I know nothing about this Oliver Stone, California pot-smoking/growing, Mexican drug cartel movie.  So...yeah...onto the next.

Ice Age: Continental Drift - Remember that sound you heard earlier when I talked about Madagascar 3? Yeah, bring a bigger gun for 20th Century Fox.

The Dark Knight Rises - OK, by now you should know that I'm going to see this.  It involves a comic book character.  The main villain, Bane, looks like something out of a Mad Max movie instead of a luchador on the best steroids in the world, but I can forgive Chris Nolan for that.  After all, this is the same man who allowed us to see Heath Ledger's amazing final performance as "The Joker" in The Dark Knight, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.  Plus, Anne Hathaway in skin tight leather...

Neighborhood Watch - The cast alone in this should make it enjoyable.

Step Up 4 - Why, for the love of God?  How could Step Up 3, or any of them for that matter, have made enough money to warrant creation of this movie?  On top of that, how would it warrant being able to actually take up space in a multiplex?

The Bourne Legacy - Hold everything.  Another Bourne movie.  I can dig it.  What?  Matt Damon's not in it?  So they got someone else to play Jason Bourne, that's not to bad?  Huh?  You mean Jason Bourne's not even in a movie with his NAME in the damned title?  I need a scotch...

Total Recall - I love this cast.  I love the short story "We Can Remember For You Wholesale" by Phillip K. Dick.  I also loved the ORIGINAL MOVIE!  So help me, if there isn't a woman with three breasts in this one, I'm out.

Ok the rest of the Summer is pretty horrible until...

Paranorman - A cartoon?  With zombies and other members of the undead realm?  And it's not anime?  I'm feeling ill and may have to stay home the day this comes out...

The Expendables 2 - Don't you judge me.  I liked the original.  It was so stupid and outrageous it was great.  I just hope the cameos in this one are better, or longer.  Arnie needs the money now right?

Super Bowl XLVI

So, as much as I am a red-blooded American male, I'm not a huge fan of the Super Bowl.  Why? Well, I'm a New Orleans Saints fan through and through.  And unless they make it to the "Big Show", I don't really have a dog in that fight (nice old Southern phrase which means basically I don't give a damn).

Of course, like all those who didn't really care what was going on, I do enjoy the Super Bowl commercials.  It's fun to see the companies who shell out millions of dollars for 30 second spots during the most televised event of the year.  It's even more fun to SEE what they paid those millions of dollars for.  Most of the time it's crap that leaves you going "what the HELL did I just see?" and scratching your head, or dropping your beer.  By far, my favorite was the M&M commercial with "Red" showing up and stripping off his candy coating because he thought that "Brown" had done the same.  Yeah, I laughed my ass off on that one.

Besides that, it was just a fun evening spent with my extremely tall best friend, his EXTREMELY pregnant wife, and my cute as hell godson. 

Who knows, maybe next year Brees and the boys will pull it off and make it to the game.  Came close this year, but just wasn't quite enough.

Oh, and my eyes cannot un-see nor my ears un-hear the atrocity that was Madonna's half-time show.  Though I was tempted to grab hot coals for my eyes and sharp pencils for my ears.

A Crime Lex Luthor Would be Aghast At!

As a comic book geek for many, many years (mostly thanks to my older brother), I've got a soft spot for anyone who reads them.  I spent countless hours growing up, and still do occasionally, getting lost 32-pages at a time in the worlds of DC, Marvel, Image, Dark Horse and many other publishers.

So when my brother sent me this article about a scumbag who stole a Superman collection from a mentally disabled man, it really got to me.

What right does another human being have to do this to someone?  Let alone someone who has a diminished mental capacity.  It makes me sick to my stomach that this son of a bitch is out there walking around, probably having hocked all of the collection for money for drugs or some other worthless thing. 
 

I'm sure some of the people reading this think that comics are just some "other worthless thing".  If so that is your opinion, but please never come back to this blog.  "Y'all ain't welcome here no mo'".  Comics can be as engaging as any good movie (often better), as thrilling as any good book (but with pictures!), or as mesmerizing as any work of art.  They help bolster the love of the written word.  They provide a place to escape to when things aren't always the best.  They let you dazzle your friends with amazing knowledge of how certain superheroes came to be (OK, not so great...but still kinda cool in my book).

I plan on going through my old collection in the next couple of days and grabbing some old issues of Superman to send to Mike.  If any of you out there would like to do the same, or just send him a kindness (which LORD knows this world could use more of) please send to:

Mike Meyer c/o Bill Smith
7041 Kingsbury Blvd.
St. Louis, Mo. 63130