I'm a huge movie nerd, always have been. With the exception of romantic comedies, I'll watch pretty much anything, whether I really like it or not. And yes, though I may not like it, and may be forced to sit through it, you can bet your sweet ass that I'll have an opinion on it one way or the other. The only exception to that rule is the movie adaptation of "Sphere". Yeah that movie still makes me go WTF?!? (long funny story there, if you know both me and my two best friends growing up then you probably know the story, if not...uhm...sorry).
So here we go (by the way, this post is one of my longer ones):
As far as I'm concerned May 4th officially starts the Summer movie extravaganza this year. Why? The Avengers is coming out. As a former, OK I'm still kind of, comic book geek, I've been waiting for this movie ever since the first Iron Man came out (the first Hulk movie doesn't count as it was utter garbage). You've got a great list of actors in it, almost all who have been a headliner in a film for the character they are reprising. Chris Hemsworth as the Mighty Thor. Chris Evans as Captain America. Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. Scarlett Johansson as the woman of my dreams, er as the Black Widow. Yes, there are a ton more great actors, and I haven't even mentioned the best, Robert "I was born to play this role" Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man, but the big thing here is the man who wrote and directed it. Joss EFFING Whedon. The man who brought you Buffy, Angel, Firefly/Serenity. One of the ultimate comic fan boys who is alive now. Yeah, I've got nothing else to say. See it. Love it. If it sucks, which it won't, I'll eat my hat.Dark Shadows - Screw you. Not you the reader. You. Johnny "I forget if I was supposed to talk in a goofy ass British accent this time or not" Depp. And you too, Tim "I married a chick with a goofy ass British accent" Burton. Leave well enough alone. Dark Shadows was a classic show. Stop destroying things we love. By the way, Depp, this goes for 21 Jump Street as well.
The Dictator - Why does Sacha Baron Cohen continue to be allowed to make movies?
Transformers 4 - Oh sorry, I meant to say, Battleship. Sorry, does anyone else remember seeing aliens on the board when you call "B3"? I sure as hell didn't.
Men in Black III - So it's been a DECADE since we last saw Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones together (both two actors I enjoy a lot). But, did we really need another MIB movie? Sigh, yes, I'll be seeing it. *facepalm*
Snow White and the Huntsman - The second of two Snow White movies coming out this year (the other is at the end of March called Mirror, Mirror). But this one has Kirsten Stewart in it. Being all pale and unable to act. She's perfect for a twist on the movie where the Huntsman spares her and trains her to go kill the Queen...wait, so this is basically Snow White meets Joan of Arc? Oh yeah, this can only end well.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted - *bang* that was the sound of Paramount/Dreamworks shooting a dead horse.
Rock of Age - OK, yet another Broadway musical making it's way to movie form. And yes, I want to see it AND next time I'm in NYC I want to go and see it at Helen Hayes. The cast, even psycho-looney-king Tom Cruise, look fantastic. And it's 80's music!
That's My Boy- Adam Sandler used to be the funniest thing this side of a former SNL junkie. James Cann is, well, James Cann! Plus, it's got Rob Van Winkle, Vanilla Ice!
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Who knew? Actually, I did. The book has actually gotten a lot of great reviews. Written by the same guy who brought you Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, this should be, at the very least, good for some shock value. Plus, I find it entertaining that Vampires caused the Civil War, and not economics, industry, and slavery.
Brave - I'm torn on this one. Disney used to make masterpieces. Now they make, well, mushterpieces. What used to take half a decade to make, now takes a few months. The love and work just isn't there any more. Though I'm sure I'll see it.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Let's see here. 1) It's got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Roadblock. 2) It's got Bruce "McClane" Willis as Joe "GI JOE" Colton. 3) It has ninjas fighting on the side of a damned mountain. 4) They took away Snake Eyes' "lips". 5) I'm pretty sure (and very happy) they kill off Channing Tatum in the first 10 minutes so he can go star in Magic Mike (opening the same day). So ladies, go see him in MM. Guys, I'll go grab some beers, meet you behind the theater to chug them and then we can go in. Sound good?
The Amazing Spider-Man - FFS...why? Did Raimi not destroy this hallowed enterprise enough? Oh, I know what a good idea is. Let's let a guy who has pretty much only done music documentaries direct it. Couldn't do any worse than Spider-Man 3...right?
Savages - I know nothing about this Oliver Stone, California pot-smoking/growing, Mexican drug cartel movie. So...yeah...onto the next.
Ice Age: Continental Drift - Remember that sound you heard earlier when I talked about Madagascar 3? Yeah, bring a bigger gun for 20th Century Fox.
The Dark Knight Rises - OK, by now you should know that I'm going to see this. It involves a comic book character. The main villain, Bane, looks like something out of a Mad Max movie instead of a luchador on the best steroids in the world, but I can forgive Chris Nolan for that. After all, this is the same man who allowed us to see Heath Ledger's amazing final performance as "The Joker" in The Dark Knight, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, Anne Hathaway in skin tight leather...
Neighborhood Watch - The cast alone in this should make it enjoyable.
Step Up 4 - Why, for the love of God? How could Step Up 3, or any of them for that matter, have made enough money to warrant creation of this movie? On top of that, how would it warrant being able to actually take up space in a multiplex?
The Bourne Legacy - Hold everything. Another Bourne movie. I can dig it. What? Matt Damon's not in it? So they got someone else to play Jason Bourne, that's not to bad? Huh? You mean Jason Bourne's not even in a movie with his NAME in the damned title? I need a scotch...
Total Recall - I love this cast. I love the short story "We Can Remember For You Wholesale" by Phillip K. Dick. I also loved the ORIGINAL MOVIE! So help me, if there isn't a woman with three breasts in this one, I'm out.
Ok the rest of the Summer is pretty horrible until...
Paranorman - A cartoon? With zombies and other members of the undead realm? And it's not anime? I'm feeling ill and may have to stay home the day this comes out...
The Expendables 2 - Don't you judge me. I liked the original. It was so stupid and outrageous it was great. I just hope the cameos in this one are better, or longer. Arnie needs the money now right?
