In case you didn't know, Unknown Antagonist is a rare breed. I am a Florida native. I was born in Pensacola and have spent the entirety of my adult life in the Orlando area. I love this state. The sunshine. The summer storms. The knowledge that it takes an hour to get to the beach no matter where you are in the state. Hell, I even love the humidity (most days). But the thing is, especially to those who haven't lived here for a long time, is that Florida is a very dangerous place. Not because of radicals with guns (though, sadly we have those). And not because of anything you might think of. The state ITSELF wants you to die. Next to the country/continent of Australia, I don't think there is a more dangerous place to live than Florida. Here's why:
Animals
Snakes
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| How does that saying go again... |
There are six venomous snake species that call Florida home naturally. This includes the Coral Snake, which has one of the most potent venoms of any snake in North America. Every child of Florida can recite, almost hypnopaedically, the adage "red on yellow, kill a fellow. red on black, your OK, Jack", which helps us to tell the difference between the Coral Snake and it's almost identical, non-venomous, cousin, the Scarlet Kingsnake.
The list of venomous snakes in Florida:
- Coral Snake (the beauty above)
- Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake
- Timber Rattlesnake
- Pygmy Rattlesnake
- Cottonmouth/Water Moccasin
- Copperhead (usually in the Panhandle only)
On top of the venomous snakes, we have several non-native snakes that people thought would be GREAT pets, but got a little long and decided to drop off in the Everglades and other similar areas. Burmese pythons, reticulated pythons, and even one of the world's longest and heaviest constrictors, the green anaconda, have turned up in our Fair stated. Eating wildlife, getting lodged in sewer pipes, and yes, even squeezing small humans to death.
Reptiles
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| Just a little snack, don't mind me... |
Guess what? There is one place in ALL of the world that crocodiles and alligators coexist. Can you guess where that is? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with "Horrid-A". Yup, it's Florida! The American alligator and the American crocodile both inhabit South Florida. Crocs can get up to 20 feet long and will eat just about anything, including you, but are only located in South Florida. Alligators, while smaller (usually no longer than 13ft, but 15ft isn't unheard of), are much more numerous. Another one of those "old Florida" sayings "If it's more than 3ft deep, there is probably an alligator in it", and that alligator is waiting to eat you.
Spiders
Quick story here. A couple of years ago I was visiting my parents in Pensacola and was going to take a shower. I draw back the curtain and look down and see a dead spider (obviously as it wasn't moving and was on it's back and it's legs were curled in). I get a closer look at it and yell to my, Pops, "Hey, may want to call your bug-guy. Just saw a black widow in the shower." When I got out of the shower my dad had called the bug-guy and he actually asked my pops to ask me "Was he sure it was a black widow?" Well, yes I was, as, once again, I was born and raised in Florida and can tell you what both the female and harder to recognize male black widows look like.
Black widows, at least the females, are one of the most easily recognized spiders on the planet. With their black bodies and red, hourglass shape on their back, you can usually identify this venomous little witch pretty easily. While the venom of the black widow is pretty bad, it won't kill most healthy adults. Children though are another story if not treated quickly.
Another spider here in the Sunshine State that, while it most likely won't kill you but will put you on your back in pain, is the Brown Recluse. This little guy's bite can actually make your skin and the muscle under it start to become necrotic (in other words it literally starts to die with healthy stuff around it).
Bears
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| Yeah, it's cute NOW |
The Florida Black Bear. It's a bear. Stay away from it. It will eat you like you were honey. Or a pic-a-nic basket.
Boars
(no picture, why? It's a hairy, mean, pig, with big tusks, I think you can visualize)
Oh, look at the cute little dark-haired piggy! Oh, look, it sees us! Oh, look, it's coming towards us! Oh, look it has big tusks...and it's speeding up... - Unnamed Florida Hiker
Wild boars, are not cute. They destroy ecosystems. They are extremely smart animals. They are very territorial. And they can gore a human quite easily. They also can weigh over 400lbs.
Sharks and Other Water Creatures
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| Fish are friends, humans are food |
Florida has over 1,300 miles of coastline. That's a lot of damned coast! And guess what, where there is saltwater, there is most likely a shark, or twelve. The state is home to about 9 species of shark. But that's just native. Some of the bigger and meaner sharks, such as bull, tiger, and of course the great white, like to visit their other many-toothed friends. By the way, for several years running Florida has led the world in shark attacks.
Florida native sharks include:
- Blacktip
- Spinner
- Sandbar
- Blacknose
- Nurse
- Lemon
- Sharpnose
- Bonnethead
- Scalloped-hammerhead
Other animals that can kill you in the waters off the beautiful Florida coast:
- Barracudas (can get up to 6ft long and are mean bastards)
- Portuguese Man of War (big, evil jellyfish)
- Box Jellyfish (yup, jellys that kill...great)
- Lionfish
- Stingrays (remember the Crocodile Hunter?)
- Stonefish
- Pufferfish
- Cone Snails (so, so pretty. so, so deadly)
Weather
Heat
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| No, it's NOT a dry heat! |
Let's start with the most obvious. Florida is hot. Not just hot, hellishly hot at times. The hottest that has ever been recorded is 109-degrees back in 1931. In July the average high temperature, throughout the state, is between 89-95. Orlando has hit 106 before. While other states may hit higher temperatures on any given day, they don't have to deal with the real killer in Florida. That killer? Humidity. For those who don't know, humidity is basically the amount of water vapor in the air. If the temperature is high, and you are sweating, that sweat which would actually cool you down can't do it's job because it is just sticking to your skin and not being evaporated. "Dry" heat areas, you don't have that problem. Sure it's hot, but at least your body can try to do it's job.
Hurricanes
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| It's so pretty...from SPACE! |
From destroying the first settlement in the state in Pensacola in 1561 (sorry St. Augustine, you get the tile for longest, not FIRST), to more recent storms that have names that are forever etched in the Southern United States collective consciousness (like Andrew, Charley and Katrina), hurricanes and Florida have a long history together. Floridians, both native sons and daughters, and those who have only recently moved here, know that June 1st thru November 1st are time for some great memories, but also time to make sure water is stocked and non-perishable food is ready to go. And, unless it's higher than a Cat-3, we probably ain't going anywhere except down the street for a Hurricane Party (which is probably how most get "accidentally dead" during hurricanes come to think of it).
Lightning
Yes, lightning. You thought that getting struck by lightning was an uncommon thing didn't you? Florida has more lightning strikes per mile than any other state in the US. This number goes up during the "tourist" season of May until October. There is a 1 in 174,000 chance that you will be struck by lightning if you are a citizen of this state. To put that in perspective, you are more likely to get struck by a bolt of pure electric energy that is hotter than the surface of the sun than you are to get a royal flush in standard 5-card stud.
These are just the big things. We all know that crazy Northerners visiting the state who don't know how to drive, or, shudder, staying and intermingling with our natives and creating crazy cross-breeds is possible the 3rd most dangerous thing in Florida. I'm kidding...mostly. As there are plenty of Florida Natives who have been dropped on their heads too many times and then just go ballistic on other people. Florida is dangerous, y'all. Stay inside. Or, if you have to go out, take a weapon and drive a big vehicle (just not a minivan as that sure as hell will get you killed).
